I’m literally afraid of my ankles. Holy shit. Maybe working out and a long walk was too much? Yikes.
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I Sweat, I Bled & I Dilated… A Little
Today was my 37-Week Appointment with the doc. At my last appointment, I was feeling a little discouraged because while I had effaced a bit (50%), the baby was positioned pretty high (-4 position) and my cervix was closed for business.
Since then, I’ve been bouncing and rocking on my ball, walking, and doing everything else I could to keep things moving.
Anyway, almost instantly upon entering the exam room, I got one of the delightful hot flashes I’ve been battling these days. I’m talking full on sweat. By the time the doc came in and listened to the heartbeat, my face was literally sweaty. Thankfully, my amazing husband grabbed a pamphlet about god knows what off the wall and started fanning my face. Umm… can we say already an amazing birth partner? That fan literally saved me from a VERY uncomfortable experience.
After the doc listened to the heartbeat, it was time for her to get up in there. I’m not going to lie, it took my words away. My nervous chatter turned to silent wincing. It wasn’t terrible, just not comfortable. BUT, totally worth it for the update I received. Once she removed her bloody… yes, bloody… fingers from my lady parts, she informed me that I had progressed! Not a ton, but any progress is great news in my book. I am now 60% effaced and 1/2 a centimeter dilated! She said she could have probably gotten the finger in there to make it 1 cm, but I wouldn’t have enjoyed it… so 1/2 it is! AND, our little babes has moved down a bit and is now at the -3 position. Still a ways to go, but I’m just over the moon that we’re making progress. I feel a resurgence of confidence in my body.
On a sillier note, my doc came in saying, “I had a dream about you last night!” She continued to explain her dream…
You came into the hospital thinking you were in labor. I checked you and it appeared as if you were. I had to finish something, so I left your room for a little and when I got back, you were gone. The nurse said that there was a new hospital policy that required patients to labor in one room and deliver in the OR. So, I went searching for this OR, but could not find it. Finally, I found it (and you) and you had delivered your baby. You were totally pissed at me for missing your delivery, but I was really happy that it went so quickly for you and was so easy. It meant things went according to your birth plan. Then I think my cat must have woken me up.
Honestly, I REALLY liked the fact that I had gotten into my doctor’s head so much and that she is concerned about giving me the delivery experience we are hoping for. Makes me feel like she actually cares and that it is somewhat of a priority to her. SO, all in all, today was a great appointment. I feel like progress was made in all areas… with my body, the baby, and my doctor.
Symptoms
Holy swelling. I gained 3 lbs this week, which my doc is pretty sure is directly related to the swelling… and of course our sweet girl beefing up. But really, my hands and feet are pretty damn thick and my ankles are starting to really look like cankles. Sexy momma over here.
But, besides the recent thickening, I really feel great. The hubs has been amazing and I’m feeling good and happy. Definitely pretty damn tired, but I think that’s just the way it is now. It really does go in waves. From about 2-6p, I’ve been feeling pretty zombie-like. Before and after that point, it’s more manageable.
And as for my back, it’s been SO great! I think I’m going to make an appointment to see the chiropractor just to proactively address any back issues, but really, I feel good.
The Doctor/Hospital Switch Debacle
A few weeks ago, I briefly mentioned that we were unhappy with our doctor after a visit. My doctor had made a comment about wishing I was bigger because my size makes me more prone to needing a C-Section. I was instantly upset/angry/frustrated/discouraged/etc. After we left the appointment, my husband and I decided that maybe – at 35 weeks – we should check out another birthing venue option. So, a few days later, we went to check out the Columbia Center Birthing Hospital.
The facility was really nice. It’s separate from the actual hospital, but still run by the hospital. Supposedly, it gives you a birthing center feel with the security of a hospital. However, you’re still cared for by doctors versus midwives, as in a traditional birth center. When we left the facility, I was feeling really great about the spa-like qualities of the birth center, but was not convinced that any of the doctors were any better than mine.
The hubs and I stopped at one of my favorite lunch spots to grab a quick bite and ran into a friend from high school. As we were catching up, we mentioned our recent visit to the Collumbia Center and she started raving about it. That’s where she delivered – after switching to that hospital at 31 weeks. She said her doc was totally more midwife than OB and was VERY open to natural births and alternative birthing methods. It literally felt like fate that we ran into her. I did a 180 in the restaurant and was totally ready to sign up with this doc.
Unfortunately, when I finally got a hold of the doctor, I discovered that she was totally booked and unable to fit me in for even a visit until July. That wasn’t going to work. I had also considered this guy doc who was recommended, but ultimately, I just couldn’t get over having a guy deliver my baby. SO, I decided the only thing left to do would be to talk to my doctor about her comment and how it made me feel in hopes of getting past the whole thing.
So, at the end of my last appointment, I said to her, “Dr. Kostic, at my last comment, you made a comment about my size making me more prone to C-Sections, and I have to be honest, I left feeling really uncomfortable.” She quickly said, “I like to make sure that my patients are aware of some of the risks beforehand, so I’m not springing things on them at the last second.” This makes sense to me. I continued, “I get that, but with all the negative stories people tell you and the judgey looks I get when I say I want a natural birth, I just really want to know that you trust in my body to do this. I don’t want you going into my labor with this preconceived notion that it’s going to end in the ER.”
She said, “absolutely not” and explained that she is actually known for trying EVERYTHING before resorting to a C-Section.
Ultimately, I think I feel good about the whole thing. I really do like my doctor and while I wish I could have some hippy midwife deliver our girl, I think this option is a pretty good one. It really seems like my doc will work with us to give us the experience we are hoping for… god-willing of course.
So I guess that’s the gist. And really, the little diversion led us right back to where we were before… although maybe a bit more comfortable with our doc.
Symptoms
I’ve still been hard at work trying to bounce, workout, squat, etc this baby down a bit. Now, don’t get me wrong… I’m not doing any natural induction methods… just trying to help her move into position to improve the chances of a natural birth. Other than that, things are pretty good.
My hands and feet continue to be my biggest issue. My hands get the worst during sleep and when I wake up… it’s crazy. I’ve been trying to sleep with braces on my hands/wrists, which is supposed to help with the pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel, but sometimes that’s just way too uncomfortable. It’s literally to the point where it hurts my hands to hold my toothbrush in the morning. I’m definitely ready to have my old fingers back.
And my feet. Today I’m wearing tennis shoes at work. For those of you who don’t know me, that probably means nothing. For those of you who do know me, you know that I only wear tennies when I’m working out. Or at least that used to be the case. These feet just can’t be smushed anymore. It hurts way too much.
BUT, on the positive, the hands and feet are manageable and besides that and the fact that I’m a little achy and feeling large and in charge, I feel great!
Anyway, my uncle sent some better pics from the wedding weekend… enjoy!
The sister, mom, & I – with a hubs photo bomb!
The sister, mom, & I – with a gramps photo bomb!
The ladies with Grams & Gramps.
Dad with his girls and their men.
Cheers to Grandpa! We miss you.
Puffy eyes & the hubs enjoying the beautiful evening.
Full bod shot. Buddah belly.
Gorg sunset.
The bride and groom with our fam.
The bride and groom with both families.
Weekend Update
This weekend was my brother’s wedding and also the weekend my Grandpa passed away. Talk about a weird and confusing string of events. But, remembering all the excitement and pressure of my own wedding, I did everything I could to refocus my energy from mourning to celebrating.
Grandma, Gramps & I at the rehearsal dinner. Grams was doing so well! It was really nice to see… especially since I felt like I had been neglecting the two of them lately with all my focus being on my other gramps.
The family took a shot of scotch in Grandpa’s honor. My cousin Amy did not enjoy it. I enjoyed her disgusted face… and my Sprite 🙂
The bride and her mother.
The bride & groom during their photo sesh. My brother, Mr. Photogenic 🙂
Signing the Ketubah (Jewish marriage license).
The flower arrangement.
Hubs & I… 9 months prego makes it hard to look good.
Close up. He’s SO cute.
Happy Tobes.
Kitty/Puppy time.
All in all, the weekend went very well. My Aunt and Uncle were in town and stayed with us, which is always my favorite. I just love them. And yesterday, we all got together for brunch and my cousin and I were able to hang out.
But now, Tuesday morning, I’m sitting at work as my parents and sister are in Florida at Grandpa’s funeral. To say it’s a little difficult is a bit of an understatement. Because I’m so far along in the pregnancy, I’m unable to fly, which meant I couldn’t attend the funeral. We’re going to have a memorial service this week when my family gets back, but still. It’s hard to find focus through everything. Not to mention, I feel like I spent the whole weekend ignoring reality and I find that it kind of shows its face randomly and without warning.
Anyway, I know Grandpa would be happy to be reunited with my Grams.
Symptoms
Physically, I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. My back has REALLY improved, which is amazing. The biggest issue is my hands and feet… they are swollen sausages. In fact, this weekend, I had to go out and buy a new pair of shoes for the wedding because I couldn’t jam my feet in ANY of my shoes. I had to get a FULL size bigger than I usually wear. Sheesh.
Other than that, I’ve been doing all of my exercises to try and get baby to drop. I’ve worked out, taken a few walks with hubs & pup, done my squats and pelvic tilts, sat and rolled out my hips on the birthing ball… the whole nine yards. I don’t think she’s budged an inch, but regardless, I’m sure it’s all good stuff.
The other thing we tried this weekend – WARNING, this might be too much info for the mommas – was the perineum massage. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been 100% avoiding this. Not that my husband hasn’t been acquainted with my lady parts (hence me being pregnant), but it just seemed like such an awkward activity. In fact, while it was awkward preparing for it, the actual act was not a big deal. We used almond oil, as I’ve read that it helps to prep your parts, and honestly, seemed like it could be beneficial. The whole gist is that he makes the area uncomfortable – almost a burning sensation – by applying pressure on the muscle and I have to use breathing or whatever to relax. And then it continues. We followed the instructions in the book, The Birth Partner. All in all, it can’t hurt, so might as well give it a whirl.
2:17 pm
I went to see grandpa this morning at 8 and when I arrived, the CNA, Judie, from his hospice care was there. She was washing his hair and giving him a shave, all without any acknowledgement from Grandpa. After she got Grandpa cleaned up, she called the nurse on the phone and said that she smelled a faint fruity smell on his breath and that gramps had a slight fever. When my parents arrived, she informed us that these were signs that Grandpa had started the active phase of dying. Her schedule was to be Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8 am; however, she did not seem confident that there would be anyone to see come Monday morning.
At around 10, we headed to work where we stayed for about an hour and a half. Then, we returned to visit Grandpa. When we arrived, Grandpa was not resting as peacefully as he had been that morning. His breathing was laced with moans, which we interpreted as him being in pain. We called the resident nurse who administered morphine. After about 45 minutes, Grandpa stopped moaning, and his breath became very shallow and deep. Around this time, the hospice nurse arrived.
She told us a lot of what we had heard that morning. This time, he had a couple more symptoms (the shallow breathing, some molding – I think that’s what it’s called, and a bit of sleep apnea – which he had the day before). We all sat around and Grandpa’s apnea seemed to get worse. He would take one quick breath and then would stop breathing for 10 seconds. Then a breath and another 18 seconds. And so on. Dad ran out to the car and I could see my mom start to look concerned. The time between breaths was getting longer. She went out to get my dad, leaving me sitting next to Grandpa thinking, “please take another breath, please take another breath.” Finally, dad came back in just as Grandpa gasped. Grandpa took two more breaths after that and was pronounced dead at 2:17 this afternoon.
Grandpa left this world with family by his side and surrounded with love, prayers and well wishes. I hope we made your journey a little easier, Grampy. Always. xo
36 Weeks… 9 Months (May 30, 2014)
9 months is here. Seems crazy… Just four short weeks to go until we meet our girl. Not sure I can get any bigger, but I’m sure my body will prove otherwise. If I hear anyone else tell me I look like I’m ready to pop or like I’m carrying twins, someone gets hurt. End of story.
My 36-Week Internal Exam & a Lot of Catch Up
Today was my 36-week appointment, which meant the drawers were dropped and I was assaulted. At this point, my cervix isn’t dilated a bit, but is thinning. Also, our sweet little girl is still very high. Obviously, I’m not over-the-moon about that part. What’s she doing way up there? It’s time to come down and “engage” as they say.
I’ve decided to help her make her way down, I will be adding in a few practices into my daily routine…
1) Walks – Maybe a quick, 30-minute walk will help. I feel like I could pretty easily add this into my morning or evening… or even a mid-day walk over lunch?
2) Sitting/Bouncing/Rocking/Squatting on my exercise/birthing ball. This is supposed to help loosen up the hips/pelvis and permit baby a bit more room to squeeze on down.
3) Squats – I feel like I do a lot of squats… at least on my workout days… but I think it’s time to maybe add in 20 in the am and 20 in the pm, just for good measure.
4) Pelvic Tilts – I do these sometimes… but not regularly and not enough. It’s simple, get on all fours and move the pelvis forward, into neutral, then back.
5) To my momma/momma-in-laws… please skip this one. That thing that got me pregnant in the first place. Supposedly this helps her get into position? Whatever. I won’t question it. I’m always happy to give love making some purpose other than the obvious.
Other than that, I had to get my Strep B test. That wasn’t too pleasant either. A nice swab to the Va-hoo-hoo and the butt. Lovely. I’m hoping and praying this comes back negative. I really do not want to be a) hooked to an IV during labor or b) on antibiotics.
In the weight department, I LOST .6 LBS! Such joy. I should also mention that last appointment, I had gained 5 lbs in 2 weeks. So a .6 lb loss was only fair.
In other news, here are some photos I’ve been hoarding.
This weekend, I went to my little friend Erica’s Wine Bottling Party. How cute is she? Also, why is my face so puffy? I should probably make sure she gains 30 lbs before we take another photo together.
I officially took my rings off (just to be safe) and replaced them with this GAUDY (fake) rock. I’m already regretting buying such a huge ring. It kind of… attracts attention. It’s created quite a few blushing/sweaty moments explaining that it’s fake and my fingers are just a little fat for my real ring.
Thoughts on this diaper bag? I bought it at Nordstrom Rack and think I really like it. Decisions…
Baby/Puppy Baby/Mommy snuggles. Best thing ever.
He’s so cute.
Mom/Dad/Pup hammock snuggles. My favorite activity ever.
My boys.
Silly face.
The hubs setting up shop in the dining room. Toby trying to make work a little less painful.
The boys snoozing.
I’ve started filling the frames for the nursery gallery wall with DIY creations. Thought this one turned out well. Just hearts cut out of scrap book paper.
Almond Butter, All-Natural Berry Fruit Spread & Banana Sandwich… the only thing I want to eat for the rest of my life. MMmmmmm!
My Grandpa is Dying
Oy. Lost blog post. For some reason, only my title was posted? I’m not sure I have it in me to start this one over again, but I’ll do my best.
This past weekend, my parents, aunt, and uncle went to Florida to tend to Grandpa’s stuff, as they brought him back here about a month ago so we could take care of him. When they left, Grandpa was in a rehab facility trying to build up strength.
While they were away, I was Grandpa’s contact and I visited him and checked in on him twice a day. On Saturday, Mark and I took Grandpa for a little stroll outside in his wheelchair. It was a beautiful day. By the time we got back inside, Grandpa was pooped, so we had the nurses lay him down for a rest.
Later that afternoon, I received a call from Grandpa. He was really confused. “Where are you? I don’t know where I am. Where’s your Grandpa? Where’s Jeff?” I told Grandpa I’d be over soon, but it would take me about an hour, as I was way out West for a friend’s party. I would also have Jeff, my dad, call him. “How will you find me? I don’t even know where I am! Where will he call me?” I assured him that he was safe and I knew where he was. I’d be there soon.
By the time I got there, Grandpa was doing much better. More relaxed and actually eating! It was a nice visit.
The next morning, Mark and I brought Toby the puppito to Gramps in hopes that he would help to cheer him up. However, when we got to his room, we couldn’t seem to wake him up for more than a few seconds. I called the nurse who took his vitals. She said everything looked good and he was probably just tired. They peeled Grandpa from his chair and brought him to lunch. Physically, he was there, but according to my cousin – who arrived right after we left – Grandpa refused to eat and just wanted to rest. When we returned for dinner, it was a lot of the same.
The next morning, I received a call from my aunt. Grandpa was on his way to the ER for a potential stroke/dehydration/something still isn’t right. When Mark, my cousin and I finally got in to see Gramps, he was sleeping and when he did come to, was pretty out of it. By around 3 pm, my parents arrived. Grandpa was really happy to see my dad.
After chatting for a couple minutes, dad left to grab some coffee and in that time, Grandpa woke up again. My cousin and I stood by his side and I explained what was going on (again). I told him everything was going to be okay. We’re all here to take care of you and you’re doing great. You look better already! Grandpa started to cry. “Thank you. Thank you for taking care of me. I love you. Thank you. I love you.”
That moment is what keeps replaying in my head. It was this moment of pure fear mixed with total gratitude. It completely shatters my heart and at the same time, makes me feel really happy that we could be there to give Grandpa a little comfort.
Grandpa has since been released from the hospital into hospice care. They removed his IV and are treating him for pain only. Grandpa slept for the bulk of our 2+ hour visit last night. But, we did manage to get a few of those smiles laced with that same gratitude we saw in the hospital. Those smiles are everything.
I haven’t been back yet today, but mom says that Grandpa is in his wheelchair and is even drinking Ensure! It’s great news. I mean, I know Grandpa is going to die. They think he has about a week or two. But still. Any improvement – even temporary – feels like a much needed breath. Plus, my brother is getting married this Sunday. For his sake and the sake of the family, I really hope Grandpa can hold on until then.
I don’t know what else to say, except that when it’s my time, I hope I’m as lucky to have the ones I love surrounding me. Giving me moments of peace as I end my journey.
35 Weeks (May 23, 2014)
35 Weeks (May 23, 2014). Another week has gone by and now there is literally only 5 left… that feels absolutely crazy. Baby is a giant, mommy is a giant… everything is big now. My belly button is working hard to stay an inny, but definitely pokes out… it’s not on outy, but it looks like a volcano.
Symptoms
So, I didn’t post yesterday. I had a crabby day and didn’t feel like sharing my crabby. Pretty much the gist of it is that I had a crappy doctor’s appointment. Everything is good with baby and I, but I was just not happy with my doc. More on that later. For now, a few cute things to set the tone for a great (and long) weekend!
TINY bun bun that was hanging in the front yard. Hi bun bun!
Toby, Baby and I crashing over lunch one of those rough days this week… can’t remember which.
Letting Go of the Physical & Mental Stress
As I mentioned (AKA: severely complained about) yesterday, my back has not been my friend lately. In my attempt to heal, I’ve decided I need to not only focus on the physical remedies (chiropractor, stretching, massage, crying, etc), but also, the mental stresses that might be causing physical tension.
With that said, I’ve been avoiding thinking about and/or talking about my gramps. Grandpa is 87 and has been living in Florida alone, with the memory of my grams who passed over 10 years ago. Grandpa has prostate cancer, which has been managed for years now. Recently, Grandpa’s been running into health issues… mainly dementia and his cancer metastasizing. About a month ago, Grandpa fell at his condo in FL and spent 6 hours on the floor, unable to get up. The next day, my dad and uncle were on a plane to bring grandpa here to Wisconsin where we could take care of him. Since he’s been back, it’s been one thing after the next.
We got him into assisted living and after three falls, he was finally hospitalized for dehydration. When he was released, he went to a rehab facility. After a few days there, he was sent back to the hospital for slurred speech. Everyone was thinking he had a stroke, but if he did, it was small enough that it didn’t show up on the MRI. Grandpa has since been released and has been sent to a different rehab facility, as the first one did not meet the family’s standards.
So now, poor Grandpa is in yet another new home for up to 90 days, with the next stop being unknown. Grandpa is severely confused due to his dementia, which causes him to experience moments of panic and fear daily. He calls my parents every day, freaking out because he doesn’t know where he is.
His cancer has spread to his liver and to his ribs. While no one really knows how long Grandpa has, it is clear that his mind and body are failing him. The doctor and my parents seem to think it will be a matter of months. Poor grandpa has lost over 14 lbs since he’s been here.
My grandma died very suddenly, so this whole watching someone go is very new to me. I’m trying to stay positive and appreciate the fact that he has today, but it’s hard to do… especially knowing he’s so miserable.
But, with our little girl only a month out, I can’t help but selfishly hope that Grandpa will stick around to meet her. My grandpa has said he’s ready to see my grandma, but I also know it would mean a lot to him to meet our little lady. He talks about how exciting it is to be here now as we get ready to welcome her.
I don’t know what happens to people when they die, but if Grandpa really does get to go see Grandma, I think she’d really love to know a little bit about our girl. My grandma and I were very close. She called me her “heart of hearts”… a term of endearment that means more to me than any. She was a tough, no bull-shit woman. I really hope Grandpa gets to bring a little bit of us with him wherever he goes.
After reading all this, it still feels like I’m holding onto my feelings about the whole thing and focusing on the facts. Let me say this, I am not ready to lose my grandpa. It suddenly feels like things are spiraling a bit and before I know it, all of my grandparents will be gone. I guess that is just another reminder to cherish the time we still have and carve out time to see them as often as possible.
Playing House 