As of 8:30 this morning, my 48-hour “holy-shit-I-might-be-pregnant” panic was over. On Sunday morning, I woke up feeling really uneasy. Later that afternoon, my nausea was accompanied by a splitting headache… both of which have been desperately trying to ruin my week ever since.

At first, I assumed I had a bug of sorts. Then, on Monday, my mom asked, “You aren’t pregnant.. are you?” Well shit. I don’t know… I mean, probably not. We’re pretty careful, but I’m not on the pill or anything…

As I started to dwell over the idea of being pregnant and panic over the similarities of my current symptoms to those symptoms of early pregnancy, I decided to take a home pregnancy test. The test came back negative, but somehow I felt no relief. That night I literally sat up from around 2:30 until 5 am just freaking out.

Tuesday I was still feeling sick. Super uneasy, headache, sleepy. So, I decided to go to my doctor. “Are you pregnant?” she asked.

My doctor decided to take a blood test to determine whether or not I was with child. The test results would be in Wednesday morning.

I spent the remainder of the day feeling severely anxious.

Obviously I want more babies, but a few things were really throwing me off…

1) Because of my c-section, my doctor told me to wait at least 18 months between deliveries to avoid complications.

2) I’m not ready for Charlie to share the spotlight. The whole idea makes me feel guilty and I want her to have more time with just us.

3) I’m not ready to be pregnant again. As selfish and childish as this is, this was probably my biggest hang up. I’m enjoying this non-pregnant time. We have a trip to New Mexico planned for May and for some strange reason, I really don’t want to be pregnant when I turn 30 this May. I want to throw back some wine and have a carefree celebration. Not to mention the fact that I’d like to have a non-pregnant summer. I want to camp and drink Sangria and enjoy… without being pregs. Selfish? Duh. I’m okay with that.

Anyway, I was very… VERY relieved to hear that I just have some weird virus of sorts. But with my relief came a level of guilt. I mean, I’m sure that after the shock wore off, I’d be really happy and grateful and excited to be having a little babe.

Future baby, know that whenever you arrive, we will be SO happy to welcome you into our family and I will very happily give up wine and sushi and deli meat. But tonight, I’m drinking wine.